


Recovery

by cedricslove



Category: Star Trek: Alternate Original Series (Movies)
Genre: M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2013-07-18
Updated: 2013-08-06
Packaged: 2017-12-20 13:32:20
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 3
Words: 8,754
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/887848
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/cedricslove/pseuds/cedricslove
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Before the USS Enterprise can begin her 5 year mission the captain must recover from death. There are accidents, and emotions to consider in the year before they all re-board.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> Please review as this is my first fanfiction for star trek! I had some issues with Spock, but I sort of see him being different in private and public. I hope you all enjoy it!

The room was dark and the young woman who entered could only see by the glowing lights of the machines that were keeping her captain alive. She stopped briefly in the doorway not wanting to disrupt the quiet scene in front of her. McCoy was sleeping in a stiff chair, with his head laying on the biobed and one hand gripping Jim’s forearm. Spock was sitting directly across from the doctor with his eyes closed and his hands resting lightly on his knees. She knew he wasn’t sleeping, most likely just meditating and pulling himself out of it since he heard her footsteps. She turned her gaze towards the captain and couldn’t help but walk towards him. Tears welled up in her eyes as she saw how thin he had become from laying in the bed for several weeks. She knew he had yet to regain consciousness and she shook slightly thinking about the way she had always treated him and how he had sacrificed himself for them all. “Nyota,” she heard gently from beside her and she turned slowly to see Spock’s eyes on her. She attempted to smile at him but it came out as more of a grimace. This more than anything alerted Spock that something was wrong and he stood immediately.

“Commander I regret having to be the one to bring you this news.”

“Speak freely Lieutenant; it would be illogical to be angry.”

“Thank you Commander. I have received news from Admiral Archer that if the Captain does not regain consciousness in the next week they will have no choice but to promote you to Captain. They need to get the repairs of the Enterprise underway and cannot continue without a Captain.”

“As acting captain I could handle the repairs until such a time the Captain can take over his duties.”

“Commander, that isn’t an option at this time. They assured me they would leave Kirk behind.”

Spock stood impossibly straighter, and clenched his hands tightly behind his back. “It would be illogical for Starfleet to make this command. I will not serve as captain nor serve as commander under any other, and it only seems logical that members of our crew will make the same choice.”

Nyota gasped softly, “You would resign your commission to stay with Kirk?”

Spock raised one eyebrow, “Indeed. I shall report to headquarters in the morning to inform them of this decision and to take responsibility of the Enterprise as I have been remiss in my duties.”

Nyota was quiet for several minutes, then running a hand softly over her face said, “Spock I think we need to talk.”

“I do not understand, we are already conversing.” 

She smiled slightly, “I just mean we need to speak about the status of our relationship.” Spock inclined his head and waited for her to speak. “The past month has been extremely difficult for everyone. I have never treated the captain fairly, choosing to see the layers of bravado he protects himself with instead of his true self. I have never regretted my actions more than when I saw the captain die before my eyes to protect us all. You have been spending all of your time here or at Starfleet, which is only logical as Commander but I’ve been hurting and you haven’t been around Spock.” She shook gently before collecting herself once again. “Montgomery and I have become close these past few weeks. Apart from you he’s the only one who could understand as he was there when the captain died and I needed that support. I have gained feelings for him and want you to know that I would like to pursue them.”

The sides of Spock’s mouth twitched into a semblance of a frown. “Nyota I regret that I have disappointed you as a friend this past month. I felt it only logical to be here but leaving you on your own to deal with everything was illogical. You know that I have only the highest regard for your friendship and that has always been the base of this relationship. You cannot hurt me with the knowledge that you want to pursue another man so I do not understand.”

“I just wanted you to hear it from me before anything happened Spock. I also needed to officially break up with you so that I am free to pursue my feelings.”

Spock inclined his head in understanding. “Consider our relationship officially terminated then Nyota. And the reason you wish to describe to others?”

She huffed slightly, “Something so everyone knows it was mutual and no one was to blame. Stress after the events on the Enterprise caused us to spend significant time apart leading us to the knowledge we were better as friends?”

“Logical.” Spock stepped closer to her whispering, “Thank you my ne ki'ne.” 

“Oh Spock,” she whispered, throwing herself into his embrace. The two stood like that for several moments, not willing to step back into reality.

Spock glanced towards the doctor and noticing him in the same position said, “It is illogical for you to stay here when you came so late to break this news to me. You should go be with Lieutenant Commander Scott.”

Laughing she thanked him. “Maybe you should consider telling him…”

“No Nyota,” Spock interrupted forcefully. 

“Spock he isn’t stupid, you should know better than anyone that he is a genius. Do you not believe he will find out the significance of that gesture? That he won’t notice if you pull away from everyone and undergo the Kolinahr?” 

“Nyota, I see no reason for me to undergo the Kolinahr ceremony. I believe that embracing my human side as I have this past month has helped me to see more clearly. My father had always told me he married my mother because it was logical as the ambassador to Earth, however after her passing he confessed that he loved her. He told me that what is necessary is never unwise.”

“So by your own logic you should tell him the truth.”

“As I currently have no opportunity to do so, such conjecture is illogical. However once he is healed it would be remiss of me to not speak to him.”  
“Promise me,” She demanded. “That you will do as you say and not undergo the Kolinahr.” Spock quirked his head at her and raised an eyebrow. She stared at him for a moment before nodding. “I’ll be here in two days to check in on everything.”

Spock nodded and watched her walk away before returning to his seat next to the Captain. Gently he touched Kirk’s wrist, and feeling a pulse he allowed himself to relax in his chair. Closing his eyes he attempted to return to his meditation. “It all makes sense now.” A gravelly voice whispered. Spock opened his eyes, schooling his features to indifference before meeting the eyes of the doctor.

“I’m afraid I don’t understand.”

“Don’t worry Spock,” the doctor said with a look akin to pity, “I won’t tell him.”

“Doctor, I’m afraid you are mistaken.”

“Shut up you damned hobgoblin. I understand completely. You should remember that I was there when he died, I watched you completely lose control and you’d be lying if you told me you’d regained it since. But that’s what Jim does to people, and like I said I won’t tell him.”

Spock was silent, staring at the doctor in a new light. “Thank you,” he whispered. “I value the working relationship I have with the captain too much to jeopardize it in anyway as it is illogical he could have any of the same thoughts.”

“There is a lot you need to learn Spock. You shouldn’t always listen to rumors about Jim; they’ve been following the kid his entire life.”

Spock raised an eyebrow, “What rumors do you refer to Doctor?”

McCoy sighed, “I’m not sure I should be telling you any of this but as Jim’s recovery is unknown and most of the story pertains to me then I’m just going to. When I joined Starfleet I had confirmed my divorce the day before.”

“You willingly chose to end a relationship with your lifemate?”

“Yes…” Leonard answered tersely. “I know that Vulcans bond for life, but humans don’t always. My wife ran off, sued me for all I’m worth and left me with no option but to join the fleet. Jim and I were roommates at the Academy and I’m not proud of the decisions I made. There was a stream of women in my life but I didn’t seem the type, and the blame for these conquests went down to Jim. He didn’t mind though, he was in two relationships during our time at the Academy and they both knew the truth.”

“The Orion girl? Nyota lead me to believe it was not a true relationship, one only for the physical aspects.”

“Well no offense but she’s never given him much credit. Jim quickly got the reputation of a womanizer when it really wasn’t true. When the Academy received the distress signal from Vulcan and sent the cadets, Gaila died. Jim hasn’t been in a relationship since, although I won’t say that there haven’t been other bedmates. He is a flirt, which added with what people thought they knew gave him his terrible reputation. But Jim isn’t like that. Before Gaila he was in a committed relationship with a friend of ours Gary Mitchell. So I guess you could describe Jim as Bisexual.”

“Doctor, I do not understand the logic behind sharing these observations with me.”

“I’m telling you it’s not completely illogical that the captain could return your feelings.”

Spock quirked an eyebrow at the doctor. Before he could respond there was a devastating beeping noise. McCoy jumped up, glancing at all of the machines trying to understand the readings. Nurses flooded into the room, pulling carts with them and surrounded the body. Spock moved to the side, he knew he should leave but couldn’t bring himself to move. “Dammit Jim!” The doctor yelled loudly. “Nurse Chapel I need you to get his heart started again. Apply the defibrillator and begin CPR. ”The nurse placed the pads on his chest before starting chest pumps. She stepped back to allow McCoy to begin electric pulses before immediately beginning CPR again. After another minute she stepped back and allowed McCoy to start the pulses again. 

When the shock did nothing Christine looked at the doctor with sad eyes. “I don’t think there’s anything more we can do Doctor.”

“No!” Leonard gasped out. “Once more...we can try one more time.”

Christine hesitantly nodded and moved back to begin CPR. She moved again and fired the electric pulses. Faintly the machine connected to the captain’s heart began beeping again, signifying his heart starting. McCoy collapsed into a chair, gripping Jim’s arm he began to cry. The captain’s body began twitching, his eyes shot open and he screamed, “Spock.”


	2. Chapter 2

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Please forgive my terrible accents for Chekov and Scotty.. I did my best!

Uhura hurried down the hallway, ignoring ensigns that attempted to speak to her. Barely forty-five minutes after she had left the hospital she received an SOS call from Christine. There had been no word from the nurse since and after waiting an hour she couldn’t take it anymore. Suddenly, too quickly, she was standing outside the door to the captain’s room. She took a deep breath trying to steel herself for whatever she would find behind the door. Walking into the room the sound of soft crying hit her. She stopped immediately, unable to take her eyes off of the normally tough doctor. “Don’t ever do that to me again kid. Never again you hear,” he said roughly gripping Jim’s arm. 

“Len, look at me.” Nyota’s heart stopped as she saw the captain move and realized he was alive. “I’m here now. How long?”

“Doesn’t matter kid, we brought you back.”

“How long?” Jim asked more forcefully.

“3.65 weeks captain.” The strong voice of Spock sounded from a corner.

The captain’s head whipped up, seeking out his first officer. “Spock…” he cut off, unable to continue with the emotions rushing through him. 

Nyota felt as though she were intruding on a private moment between the two of them, but knew she had to interrupt. “Captain, I am most gratified to find you well.” She walked to the empty side of the bed and grasped Jim’s hand tightly. “Christine called me and told me that we needed to get here. I apologize for the intrusion but I thought we were coming to say goodbye.”

“Your presence is never unwanted Lieutenant.” Jim said with a small smile.

“Nyota,” she said softly. “You earned the right when you died for me.” A tear escaped and she went to wipe it away but was stopped by Jim.

She looked up and saw a huge, genuine smile on his face. “Well it’s only taken me around five years for that honor.”

“Yea well you were a dumb farm boy then.”

Jim laughed and pulled her half onto him in a huge hug, “Nyota thank you.” He whispered. 

She nodded against his shoulder and stayed still for several minutes. She then pulled back and straightened her shirt.” The rest of the senior crew should be here soon. I called them all when I was on my way. I apologize for the intrusion.”

“Dammit this is a hospital not a recreation center!” Leonard protested. 

Jim laughed and clapped the doctor on the shoulder. “I’m sure they won’t stay for very long Len. We’ll catch up and then you can kick everyone out.”

“You need your rest Jim. You were dead and then in a coma due to the revival process. It’s also past midnight dammit.”

Nyota went to jump in seeing that the doctor was beginning to crack but Spock spoke first. “I believe it would be good not only for the captain to see his friends but also for the crew to see that the captain is recovering. It is only logical that as soon as Starfleet learns of the captain’s recovery they will begin the tests that will relegate him fit for duty and he will need to prepare the Enterprise for duty. Meaning that he won’t have much time after tonight and tomorrow for himself until he is caught up.”

McCoy nodded grudgingly. “I’m going to get some hyposprays and look at your vitals before I allow anyone else in here.” He stalked off to his office grumbling about unruly captains and enabling first officers.

“Nyota, could you please meet everyone outside and inform them that the captain lives and that they will have limited time with him.” She nodded, before looking pointedly between the two men.

As soon as she exited the room Jim turned his eyes to Spock for only the second time that night. “Spock will you come here?” he asked hesitantly. “I’m glad to see the crew but I’m feeling completely overwhelmed.” Spock crossed the room in two steps, leaning over the captain with worry evident in his eyes. Jim gazed into Spock’s eyes, relaxing minutely as he was brought back to familiar circumstances. Jim raised his hand, holding it between him and Spock. “When I was lying behind that glass all I could think was that I wanted to touch you, that there were so many memories I wanted to share with you. I know what I’m asking of you Spock, but I haven’t thought of anything else since I awoke. I know that you are dating Nyota, and probably don’t understand my emotion behind requesting this of you, but please.”

“You are incorrect captain. Nyota and I have ended our relationship and…”

Spock was cut off by the bridge crew loudly entering the room. “Keptin you are avake!” Chekov exclaimed bouncing to the side of the bed. “I vas so vorried about you keptin!”

Jim chuckled and patted the ensign’s curls. Chekov preened under the attention and sat on the edge of the bed much like a loyal dog. “Ensign it is very good to see you. I’m having Scotty write you a commendation for how you handled engineering during his absence and I also wanted to thank you for handling everything that I threw your way. I’m very proud of you.”

“Thank you keptin.” He said blushing. “Mamka and Batya vill be so proud! Did you know varp vas inwented in Russia?”

“Now that isnae true keptin! but Ah cannae deny th' ensign did a good job.” Scotty said making his way towards Jim. 

“I’m sure Monty will be pleased to write that commendation for you Ensign.” Nyota reassured as she stood with an arm wrapped around the Scotsman. 

Jim quirked an eyebrow at the communications officer but she just smiled and turned to listen to Scotty. “Ay course lass. Th' bairn kept th' ship runnin' despite whit th' keptin tried tae do tae mah lady.”

“I’ve already apologized for that Scotty.” Jim said with a slight eye roll. “Taking those missiles on the ship was a poor decision.”

“Those orders came from the admiralty captain. The crew can hardly fault you for following orders, even if they came from a compromised admiral.” Spock stated, raising an eyebrow at Scotty. 

“Let’s not fight.” Sulu stated firmly entering the room with McCoy. 

“Hikaru, good to see you.” Jim said with a smile.

“It’s good to see you too Captain.” The helmsman glared slightly at Pavel but the Russian simply shrugged and allowed the captain to continue stroking his hair. 

“You’re on my now very long list of commendations I need to write lieutenant. So thank you for all of your work, especially negotiating with Khan.” 

“Of course captain,” he ducked his head slightly to avoid showing his embarrassment. 

“Weel th' enterprise is runnin' just fine keptin, thanks tae ye. Thaur are many repairs tae make but we shoods be able tae ship out again in seven months.”

“That will be plenty of time for you to get back into shape Jim. Don’t give me that look dammit you’re going to need physical therapy. Just look at you!” McCoy exclaimed.

“The keptin is steel recowering doctor!” Chekov protested. “But the keptin doezn’t look bad!”

“I have to disagree ensign. Kirk is by no means at the same physical shape he was. Look at him!” Uhura urged, true concern lacing her voice.

“The captain will return as soon as he is able.” Hikaru voiced, unhappy at the doubt against the man who had saved them all.

“Dammit I’m the doctor!” McCoy spluttered. “Jim is my patient and he will follow the rules I set up for him.”

The senior crew continued arguing until Spock interrupted them. “it is illogical for this discussion to continue as the Captain has fallen asleep. Due to his injuries his need for rest far outweighs his need to deal with an arguing crew. You may continue to enjoy the next two days as shore leave until the Captain notifies you of his wishes when he officially returns to the post.” The rest of the crew nodded sheepishly at the Commander before quietly leaving the room. “Doctor as the captain has regained consciousness it is only logical you return to your quarters and sleep. There are other nurses capable of checking on the captain until morning.”

“We can’t just leave him alone.”

“I did not say that doctor. I will of course stay with the captain as I require less sleep being a Vulcan.” The doctor wanted to protest, but the last month of staying up late searching for a cure led him to pure exhaustion. He sighed and then nodded before walking out of the small hospital room.

Spock slid into the chair beside Jim’s bed and let relief wash over him for the first time. The captain was truly going to survive and continue leading him. “Thanks Spock,” the captain whispered opening his eyes. “I was too overwhelmed to handle all of them.”

“Of course captain. But now that they are gone, you should sleep.”

“I want to talk,” Jim said, attempting to sit. When his attempts failed he sighed angrily and glared down at his weak body. “I’m afraid Spock. I don’t want you to push away whatever you are feeling. I want to talk about when I died…”

“Jim, I merely request you rest yourself this evening so that you are at full capacity to speak to me about the matter. As it is emotionally charged I foresee it being quite difficult.”  
Jim studied him for a minute before agreeing. “Promise me can speak about it when I wake up.” He placed his hand palm up, with two fingers extended on the edge of the bed.  
Spock hesitated for a moment before extending two of his own fingers to meet Jim’s. There was silence as they held their fingers still, barley touching at all. Eventually Spock removed his fingers saying, “I promise captain.” With that Jim lay back down and slept. Spock fell into an easy meditation, feeling more at peace than he had for the past 3.65 weeks. 

 

xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

Jim was woken by loud voices coming from outside of his room. He blinked at his surroundings a few times before realizing he was in the hospital. “Spock,” he whispered gently looking around for his first officer. Finding himself alone in the room he began to panic slightly. Rationally he knew he was fine, that Bones would have nurses around to help him but he also expected to wake and look directly into the Vulcan’s brown eyes. He needed the Vulcan to assure him that he was fine, that they all survived and that they could figure out what had happened. He knew that Spock wouldn’t have left if it hadn’t been important since he had promised they could talk. Jim sat slowly, taking time to fully evaluate his body. He looked terrible if he was being kind to himself. His skin was stretched over nonexistent muscles, giving him the look of sagging into himself. Unsure if he could even walk out of the room on his own he hit the nurse call button beside the bed. The voices outside the room stopped briefly before picking up with more force and urgency. After a few minutes a nurse entered alone. She brought him his breakfast and assured him that he wouldn’t need to move for several more days.

“Sir, there are several men waiting outside to speak to you but your Commander convinced them to wait until I had visited you. Are you up for company at this time?”

Jim sighed inwardly, he had known it wouldn’t take Starfleet long to find out that he was recovering but he hadn’t even regained consciousness twelve hours ago. “Allow them in please nurse, but only if my first officer comes as well.” 

She nodded and hurried out of the room. Barely a minute later four men and one woman strode into the small room, cramping around the hospital bed. “Kirk, it is great to see you alive.” Admiral Barnett greeted with sincerity. 

“It’s a pleasure to be alive Admiral,” he said with a huge grin. Having no idea what the meeting was about Jim figured the good ol’ Kirk charm couldn’t go wrong. 

“I apologize for being here so soon after you regained consciousness but an inquiry into Admiral Marcus’s actions was begun as soon as your crew disembarked. You are the only remaining crew member that we need to question.”

“We have been over this,” A small, balding man announced from the other side. “Admiral Marcus was exemplarily the sort of Admiral Starfleet needs. This inquiry into his actions is preposterous. The crew of the Enterprise is obviously lying to keep Kirk in his position. Only days before the incident he was demoted by the council to First Officer and that only after Admiral Pike somehow convinced the council he didn’t deserve to return to the Academy.”

“I believe Captain Kirk proved what an asset he is to the fleet by taking down not only a corrupt Admiral that attempted to start a war with the Klingons that the Federation couldn’t handle at this moment but for his handling of the situation with the war criminal Khan whom Admiral Marcus released in the first place.” Spock said, icily staring at the unknown man. “Furthermore, as you worked directly under Admiral Marcus your attempts to clear his name have made you quite suspect Vice Admiral Forrest.”

“I agree with Commander Spock,” Admiral Barnett stated calmly. “it was simply by leniency that we did not start an inquiry into Admiral Marcus’s staff but you have proven this tactic to be wrong. Captain Kirk was reinstated by an Admiral in Starfleet, proving his actions following that appointment as valid.”

“Captain Kirk attempted to show mercy to both the war criminal and the corrupt admiral.” Admiral Chandra spoke up.

The small man began turning red at hearing the Admirals speak. Kirk became suspect of his motives and lifted his eyes to Spock’s prompting the other man to move. Just as Vice Admiral Forrest pulled a phaser out of his belt Spock nerve pinched him. “Admirals, I hope you can explain why you brought this man and your strange reasoning to the hospital to bother Captain Kirk after he had barely regained consciousness.” Spock questioned calmly. 

The admirals looked between the body and the Commander before answering. “That would be my fault.” Carol Marcus spoke for the first time. “I believed the man to be as corrupt as his commanding officer but was left without proof. I knew that confrontation with Captain Kirk would cause him to reveal his true colors.”

Spock lifted an eyebrow haughtily at the blonde. “Did you not consider if he had been corrupt he would bear ill-will for the Captain? You brought a dangerous man into a hospital room with your barely alive Captain who died trying to save your life.”

Carol turned bright red and stared at the floor. “I must apologize Commander, the threat did not occur to me at the time I concocted my plan. Please forgive me Captain,” she begged, turning her bright eyes to Kirk.

Jim considered her for a moment. “Lieutenant do you still count yourself as one of my crew?”

“Yes Captain.”

“Then I believe this conversation would be best suited for a more private arena.” Jim turned from her and focused on the admirals once more. “Admirals, I do not understand the reason for your presence at this time.”

“We are here to inform you of several changes happening immediately.” Admiral Bennett explained. “Admiral Archer attempted to revoke your Captaincy but he has forcibly retired. From now on at least two Admirals will need to sign off on every plan to attempt to ensure a situation like this doesn’t happen again. Although you have had struggles as a Captain we believe that you are the best we have to pilot our flagship. We wish to have a ceremony to honor the crew of the Enterprise in a week’s time. There will be a memorial service for all who perished in the attack by Khan once the Enterprise is set to debark. It will serve both as a christening and memorial service. Before we can do this ceremony though it is imperative you get back to shape for active duty. Doctor McCoy has assured us that it will take you around six days to completely heal. You have done Starfleet proud and we are honored to have a captain such as yourself.” The two admirals sprung to attention, prompting Spock and Carol to do the same. 

Jim saluted back at them, a huge smile on his face. “I’m glad to know I get to keep the Enterprise and my crew Admirals.”

“We shall discuss your orders and your next mission sometime after the ceremony. Until then the Enterprise is on shore leave. We understand that you will have a lot of work to do but this shall only happen at the discretion of Doctor McCoy.”

“Understood Admirals.” The two men left the room, security carrying the still prone form of the Vice Admiral, leaving Jim in a state of shock. 

“I can’t believe it,” he breathed out. “I was sure that there would be a trial and they’d take the Enterprise away from me.”

“As previously stated Captain your actions were most exemplary in dealing both with Admiral Marcus and Khan. In addition to your popularity amongst the crew the admiralty would have been losing incoming cadets as your actions have spurred a 40% increase in enlistment.”

“I know the crew would have stood with me if it had gone to trial.”

“Indeed Captain. It would be illogical for them to take away your captaincy as they greatly value my being a member of Starfleet as a Vulcan and I declared a wish to serve under no other captain.”

Jim stared at Spock in shock. The Vulcan had to barely be in control of his emotions to admit such a thing. “It is my honor to have you as first officer Spock and I desire no other.” Silence reigned once again before Jim remembered Carol’s presence. “Lieutenant, it has now come to my attention that you have acted against orders as well as protocol many times. You lied about your orders as well as your personal information to get onto my ship in the first place, and although you acted with honorable intentions towards the missiles that is simply a lucky outcome. Your behavior today has shown a lack of respect for your position, your fellow crewmates as well as your commanding officers. I have no choice but to demote you to Junior Lieutenant. Your duties aboard the Enterprise will be reworked to adjust for your new station and you shall continue reporting to Commander Spock.”

“I thank you Captain for not dismissing me.” Carol said looking at Jim with fierce eyes.

“Everyone makes mistakes Junior Lieutenant, I myself am no stranger to them. If you work hard and show that you care about your position as well as the crew I see no reason why you shouldn’t be restored to your former post quickly.”

These words seemed to impact Carol in some way and she hung her head slightly. “If that is all Captain?”

“Dismissed,” Jim nodded slightly, glad to be rid of everyone who wasn’t Spock. 

When the blonde had left the room Spock moved back to Jim’s side. “I continue to find Junior Lieutenant Wallace’s skills redundant on the Enterprise with myself as head of the Science Department, but I concede to your judgment Captain. I believe your punishment to be just and logical.”

Jim’s smile threatened to break his face as he looked at Spock. He knew to be called ‘just and logical’ was nearing the highest praise from a Vulcan. “Commander I believe you owe me a conversation now.”

Spock stiffened, unwilling to discuss Jim’s death. “Jim you must understand, when I saw you die I lost all control. I wanted to kill Khan for what he had done to you. I almost succeeded in my actions. It was only Nyota’s claim that his blood could save you that made me stop. These actions are completely unbecoming of a Vulcan. It is unbecoming to feel emotion let alone resort to violence. We are a peaceful people who do not see the logic in violence. You are the only one to push me to give in to my emotions, to my baser desires.”

“I’m sorry Spock. I know how uncomfortable speaking of your emotions is for you. But I also know that saying you don’t feel is bullshit. From what I’ve seen Vulcans feel more deeply than humans and it is why you lock yourselves away behind logic. But you must know that I feel deeply for you. Reaching my hand out to you in that way when I was dying was no mistake.” Jim lifted his hand in the same manner he had right before he died. “Last night was no mistake either I wanted to…”

Jim was cut off by a terrible crashing noise before Bones stormed into the room. His entire face was red, drawn tight with anger, and emotions rolled off his body in waves making Jim completely uncomfortable and nervous. “I want to know why you had Scotty call Spock instead of me.” Bones stated tightly. “It has been brought to my attention you requested the Commander’s presence instead of my own you ungrateful son of a bitch.”


	3. Chapter 3

Jim quickly simply stared at his best friend. McCoy continued glaring back, his unhappiness manifesting in the red color of his face. “Doctor, I believe it only logical to continue this conversation once the Captain has recovered and after he and I have discussed the matter of his death.”

“God dammit, stop acting like you care about Jim! When we were on the Enterprise you questioned his commands every chance you got. You just feel guilty that he died on your watch since its first officer’s duty to protect the captain.”

“Bones…” Jim started, warning evident in his tone.

“It is fine Jim. Shall I return after you have conversed with the doctor?”

“No!” Jim burst out. Embarrassed at his extreme response he ducked his head slightly. “I want you to stay Spock, just let us talk.” Spock nodded slightly and moved to beside Jim’s shoulder and both of them looked back to the doctor. “Len you have to understand that I knew I was going to die… I could feel myself dying as soon as I entered the chamber. There was nothing you could have done to save me.”

“You aren’t a god damn doctor Jim. You don’t know what I could have done!” McCoy shouted crossing his arms and glaring. 

Jim shook his head slightly. “If you had opened the door you would have died as well, not to mention the countless members of the crew that would have been poisoned.”  
“That still doesn’t answer why you didn’t have me called down! I’ve been your best friend for over four years, pulled your ass out of more terrible situations than anyone and you didn’t call me! Why do you care more about the fucking robot than me? Why did you want him there?” Jim could feel Spock tense beside him, but he couldn’t tear his eyes away from his best friend.

“Because you were saving people that matter.” Jim hugged his arms to his chest self-consciously, whispered words pouring out of him without his control. “Compared to all of them what did my life mean Len? Those people have family that would care if they died; they have groups of people completely invested in them. I don’t! I don’t matter and there was no way I could take you away from people who deserved to be saved.”

Bones shifted awkwardly, his eyes turning to gaze at the floor as he rubbed the back of his neck. “Do you really think that Jim?” he questioned softly.

“What else should I think? My entire life has only confirmed how unworthy I was of the sacrifice that killed my dad. If my mom hadn’t been pregnant he wouldn’t have taken such a risk and they could have survived together. Do you know how many times my brother and my mom told me they wished that’s how it had happened? They would have been the perfect family but I fucked it all up. All of our stepdads were abusive but Sam always insisted that I deserved it, since I was the reason we couldn’t have dad. Do you know how that feels; being beaten to a bloody pulp and then thrown outside by your own brother, being shouted at that you deserve whatever abuse they throw your way? I tried to kill myself when I was nine, I drove my stepdad’s car over a cliff, but at the last second I fell out. How could I betray the only person in my entire life that cared about me? My dad did, he loved me even if he never knew me. So I vowed to get out of there. I convinced my mom to send me to live with my Aunt. I was ten when I moved to Tarsus.” Spock raised an eyebrow at that information, shocked to find out Jim had been on the colony but was unwilling to stop Jim’s frantic talking. “I learned quickly that my life held little meaning… After high school I just drank all the time until Pike found me and dared me to join the fleet. The second person in my life to actually care and he died because I fucked up. If I had filed a proper report and kept the enterprise he never would have been in that room. So no Len I couldn’t call you down there. Not when you’re the third person in my life to actually give a damn about me. I wouldn’t let you die for me, even if it would have been in the hope of saving my life. As for Spock…I made Scotty call him for purely selfish reasons. The crew is my family; I died for all of them, but mostly for you and Spock. I needed to see him…to know he would be fine. I wanted to tell him how I felt…but make sure he understood I wanted him to live and be happy with the woman he loves. I needed him as I died…” Jim trailed off, and ducked his head trying to hide the tears streaming down his face. He had revealed more than he had intended, and was completely embarrassed. Jim looked up in confusion as the warm weight of Spock’s hand closed over his shoulder, but the first officer didn’t respond, he simply nodded towards the doctor. Slowly, Jim turned to face his best friend and was met with a sight that broke his heart. 

Bones was collapsed into a chair, face buried in his hands while his entire body shook with sobs. Jim reached a hand out to grab one of the doctors and Bones clung to it like a life preserver. “You’re an idiot kid.” He mumbled out eventually. “I’ve always known about Tarsus…you used to hoard food in the room at the academy and panic if you thought any of it was out of place. When you were drunk you used to binge eat, then get sick and have panic attacks about it Jim. With your age it was the only conclusion.” Jim’s eyes widened at the revelation, but the realization that his friend hadn’t ever asked him about it calmed him slightly. “You know you’re the little brother I never had, or god damn maybe even Jo-Jo’s older brother kid. I’m not going to leave you that easily darlin’, I am a trained doctor, and I wouldn’t have simply opened the door to the radiation chamber.”  
“I’m sorry Bones, I thought there was no hope, and even if I had I wouldn’t have taken you away from the injured crew members. I didn’t want you to see me die.”

Bones nodded jerkily and took a minute to calm himself down even further. “I need to get some rest; I’m a doctor not a god damn machine.” He stood clumsily and patted Jim on the arm. “You comm me if you need anything kid, I don’t care what god damn time it is. If you have so much as a headache you get my ass down here.” Gaining Jim’s compliance a smile lit his face briefly. “Spock, would you walk me out?”

Two eyebrows shot up at the question, but the Vulcan must have understood the human sentiment behind the statement because he didn’t question the doctor but merely followed him. Once they were out in the hallway the two men faced each other in a sort of showdown. “Spock you and I both know that more than three people care about Jim but he doesn’t see it so I expect you to march your ass back in there and woo him like a debutante at her first ball.”

Spock simply inclined his head, unwilling to voice anything as it would betray his control. “What is your plan of action doctor?”

“I’m going to find Nyota, you and I know that a lot more people care about him. We’re going to make that sorry excuse for a man see it.” With that Bones took off down the hallway.

Spock stood in silence for another minute, before turning and reentering the hospital room. Jim sat there looking incredibly nervous and unsure of himself. He shifted as Spock approached but before he could say anything Spock lifted his hand holding two fingers out towards Jim. Jim glanced from Spock’s fingers to his eyes, and although the Commander was blank faced his eyes betrayed warmth that Jim was searching for. Their fingers met in a soft caress, the Vulcan kiss lasting longer than the previous one. Spock finally withdrew his fingers and looked at Jim with fondness in his eyes. “Jim, you must know that I feel deeply for you. As illogical as emotions are, my father told me that what is necessary is never wrong, and for me, you are necessary. I have believed in the two of us since we defeated Nero. Our command styles and personalities complement each other well and I find us to be a logical match. Our daily chess matches were the highlight of my day aboard the Enterprise. However, I find that I have misled you and must apologize.”

“You lied to me?” Jim questioned, hoping he had imagined the tremor in his voice.

“Vulcans do not lie. Nyota and my relationship was valid in that we were friends, and committed to one another. But our friendship extended no further. At the academy it seemed only logical to begin a relationship with her to protect her from those she had no interest in. As a highly attractive female human she was widely sought after, a trait of hers I believe you are familiar with.” Jim looked at Spock in disbelief, but the sight of amusement in the brown eyes made him laugh. “Vulcans do not engage in casual relationships, we bond for life. As such it was not detrimental for me to date her. Although Vulcans do not care about the gender of their mate, simply their mind, I find that my half-human side expresses more of an interest in males.”

Jim looked at Spock with shock evident on his face. “You’re telling me that you’re gay and pretended to date Nyota to keep her away from scumbags like me?”

“Indeed captain.”

“Even though Vulcans bond for life what was your plan if you found someone you were interested in? Wouldn’t they have been scared away by Lieutenant Uhura?”

“I do not know captain, as you are the first person I have been interested in since we began our arrangement. Nyota and I have terminated our relationship so I am completely free to pursue you.”

Jim let out a shaky breath. “Spock, I care about you a lot, and I am interested in a relationship with you. But being bonded for life is a huge commitment.”

“I understand Jim. The bond is not something to take lightly and as such isn’t entered into in any haste. I am simply telling you that entering into a relationship with me must come with the thought of this. After three years of courtship there is a ritual to make certain both parties wish to bond for life. As it is performed telepathically there is no way to fool the elder and the correct choice is made. If you wish to end the relationship before the three years are over then we part amicably. I understand that for humans entering a relationship with marriage already in mind is quite a large step so if you prefer to simply admit our mutual feelings and continue on as friends I shall bow to your wishes and comfort.”

“Spock, you misunderstood me.” Jim said, gently taking the Vulcans hand into his own. “I am entirely willing to enter into such a relationship with you. As soon as I recognized my interest in you I read Surak’s teachings to better understand your culture. I simply don’t want you to regret tying yourself to me. No one has been with me for twenty-five years, let alone thought about being beside me for life.” Turning red, Jim gazed down at their entwined hands. “I fear you shall grow tired of me.”

Spock shook his head emphatically and stepped closer to the captain. “T’hy’la Taluhk nash-veh k'dular. How could I grow tired of you when you’re always causing excitement on ship?”

Jim chuckled softly. “I will always need my first officer. What did you say to me?”

Spock’s ears burned green, “I fear to overstep.”

“You already said it; just tell me what it meant.” 

“T’hy’la is what you are to me, soul mate is the closest standard equivalent, but it means friend, brother, and,” the green blush filled out Spock’s cheeks as he whispered, “hopefully lover.”

“Don’t you worry about that Commander,” Jim said with a huge grin. “I have plans for you when I get out of here. What else did you say?”

“Taluhk nash-veh k’dular, the Vulcan way of saying that I love you.” 

Jim froze, his eyes widening as he stared up at Spock. “Spock, I don’t know…are you sure? No one has ever said that to me.”

“T’hy’la, Vulcans do not lie. I have never been more convinced of the validity of my feelings. You do not place enough worth upon yourself.”

Jim ducked his head, “maybe you can help me with that.” He asked shyly.

“It is the job of First Officer to advise their Captain in all important matters.” Spock said dryly but Jim knew he was being teased.

Jim smiled in response. “I love you Spock.”

xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx  
Nyota, Pavel, Hikaru, Scotty and Bones stood at attention in a line, dressed in their formal Starfleet uniforms. They were gathered at a ceremony honoring the actions of the crew of the Enterprise during the altercation with Khan. Only the crew of the Enterprise, family of the dead crew members, and the members of the Admiralty were in attendance as it was a very personal ceremony to mourn the seventy-eight crew members they had lost and to recognize vital members of the crew. The Captain and Commander were seated with the Admiralty on some sort of stage and the crew felt they were back at graduation. When the ceremonial officers had finished folding flags in remembrance of the lost crew the captain stood and approached the podium. “It is a complete honor to stand in front of all of you today. Without the actions of our crew coming together countless more lives would have been lost. As your captain I can only say that I’m proud of every member of my crew. Just this morning I received our newest orders and it is a pleasure to tell you all that we have been chosen for Starfleet’s first five year mission into deep space.” There was a rush of excitement that ran through the crew as they applauded the news. “With this information many things are changing to allow the crew to perform to their utmost ability. Children will be allowed onboard for several weeks at a time so that they have the opportunity to visit their parents. The fraternization policy has also been changed. We will not endeavor to keep any couple apart if it is their true desire to be together. However, couples more than two ranks apart will have to come to the captain and First Officer separately to prove that the relationship is organic and not a matter of coercion. All couples will need to submit forms to the captain and first officer so that we are aware of the difference in your status for emergencies aboard the ship. It is my hope that these changes will lead to a happier crew. This doesn’t mean you are required to submit to a five year mission, if you are unwilling to take on this commitment you can be immediately transferred to another ship. If this is what you desire please stand so we may make note of the change.” Jim stopped, and gazed out over the rows of his crew members. After a minute none of them had stood and Jim looked around in shock.

“We dornt want onie other keptin!” Scotty yelled, laughing at Jim’s confusion. A huge cheer went up at the Scotsman’s words, the crew cheering and standing to cheer at their captain.

Jim was completely choked up, although he knew most of the crew approved of him, to learn that they all wanted to follow him was too much. “Thank you,” he managed to get out before returning to his seat. He lightly touched Spock’s hand, conveying his wish for his stoic first officer to continue the ceremony. 

Spock stood and walked to the podium, his calm presence encouraging the crew to return to their seats. “Based upon actions aboard the Enterprise when we were engaged in the conflict with Khan, the captain and I have determined several promotions that need to be made. Ensign Chekov from Command and Ensign Giotto from Security please join me.” When the two nervous ensigns made their way to Spock he spoke again. “You are both being promoted to the position of Junior Lieutenant for your brave actions and exemplary work.” Spock nodded politely at both of the men before they moved on to shake hands with the captain. 

Chekov was trembling with excitement as he bound over to the captain, tackling him into a bear hug. “Thank you keptin!” Jim laughed trying to control the bubbly Russian as he pat him on the head. 

Giotto was calmer as he approached the captain. “Thank you Cupcake.” Nyota snorted at the captain’s words, having to cover her mouth as she got several strange looks.

Spock quickly finished the ceremony before dismissing the crew. He and Jim spoke to the admirals for several minutes, allowing most crewmen to leave. Then the first officer and captain walked towards their friends in unison. Nyota grinned as she saw the subtle brush of their fingers. “Mister Scott, our departure for the five year mission is planned for eight months from now. Will you be able to have the Enterprise repaired at this time?”

“Ay coorse commander! Th' auld lassie shoods be ready in seven months.”

“Indeed,” Spock said inclining his head slightly.

“Spock means that you don’t have to kill yourself getting it ready beforehand Scotty. We’ll leave you to Nyota if you spend too much time on the Enterprise.” Jim jokingly threatened.

“You are correct Captain. Mister Scott I suggest you do choose your actions in such a way to avoid the wrath of Lieutenant Uhura.”

“Monty has more preservation skills than you ever did Spock.” Nyota said with a smile.

“Indeed. I am sure Mister Scott has more ways to appease you at his disposal at well.” Jim and Nyota bent over in laughter at Spock’s words, causing confusion from the rest of their friends.

“God dammit Spock, just because I’m a doctor doesn’t mean I can bleach those images out of my brain.” Bones interjected, glaring at the laughing friends.

“I’m wery confuzed kommander. Vat do you mean?” Chekov questioned, innocence shining through his eyes.

Jim subtly touched Spock’s wrist conveying his thoughts, and received a raised eyebrow in return. Jim stepped closer to the other man and leant in gently, their lips meeting briefly in a soft kiss. Chekov cheered while Sulu and Scotty simply looked on in shock. “Jim and I are telsu, or will be when the ceremony happens.” Spock explained. 

Their friends were quick to congratulate them, and insisted they all go out to dinner in celebration of the new mission and the new relationships as well. As they walked off, Nyota and Scotty leading the way hand-in-hand, Chekov, Sulu and Bones arguing about the benefits of a five-year mission, Jim realized he was exactly where he wanted to be with his friends. Spock’s gentle pressure against his side reassured him and Jim couldn’t wait to get back aboard the enterprise with his family beside him.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm sorry this ended in sort of a rush, but I really didn't know where to take the characters. I really think that Jim and Spock would have resolved their differences quickly after Jim woke up so I didn't want to drag it out too long. I hope you enjoyed!


End file.
